Invisibility at its finest.

I’ll elaborate later but long story short: i’m getting those horrible feelings again and all i want right now is a friend i can pour my heart and soul onto.

A lot of things have been going on lately. I haven’t written in my journal in a little over a week. I don’t even know what’s up with me. To be honest, I’m torn. Just in general. I’m torn between being productive and doing nothing. I’m torn between liking him or getting over him. I’m torn between letting this kid in or closing myself off. I’m torn between keeping my bitchy friends and just letting them drift off.

Most importantly I’m torn between the brooding depressed version of myself and the one that wants to move on with everything. I want to be able to just let go of everything and move on. I want to be one with my self. But at the same time I don’t know if I can let this broken part of me go. It’s like I need it or something. 

I want to be free of worries and over thinking. But, I think I like being depressed sometimes. It makes my feelings seem more exciting I guess. If I move on, will I lose the hopeless romantic in me? or if I stay brooding, will I always amount to nothing?

I’ve been itching to write this. I really have but because of our close relationship i just tried to brush most of it off. You’re my blood and i love you but seriously? I’m not saying you’re not open with her. You are. I’m not saying you aren’t a good daughter. You are. But did it ever occur to you how trusting she really is. No other parent would let you just go out and party hardy. No parent would tolerate some of the stuff you do. You always just say you’re gonna do things. You don’t ask if it would be okay. You just make a statement. She let you dye your hair. Not that she had a real choice considering you just said you were gonna do it. She’s never really gotten angry when you don’t ask for permission. What’s the point in saying it if you’re not asking for permission, right? You don’t ever feel guilty that maybe all you want to do will negatively affect the pants of the family? Is it just me or is that not a tad bit selfish? She made a lot of sacrifices for us. Frankly, you go through a lot of phases. She’s looking out for you. She’s being as considerate as possible with the car too. Can’t you just cool it a little? Maybe it’s just me. Maybe i’m just a goody two shoes. You’re right, i probably don’t know much. I’m younger. I’m lame. And i probably shouldn’t have mentioned our tattoo conversation to her. But i do have a conscious. Yeah, i would like a tattoo, too. And yeah, i want to dye my hair. Yes, i want two more ear piercings plus my cartilage pierced. But do you know why i won’t get these anytime soon? It’s because, to me, the peace of this family is my top priority. I hate it when they argue and our entire family situation gets tense. But it doesn’t seem like it’s a real problem to you. I’m begging you though, can’t you please just stop and wait like 5-8 years? Please.
I know you’ll hate it if i ever get into your situations seeing as how when ever i try to stick up for you, you just tell me to shut up. it’s all you, sister. This may be a little selfish but i just don’t want you to stop the peaceful flow of this family. You may think it’s annoying this family of ours. But let me just tell you, if you follow in cousin’s footsteps, it’ll only get worse from here on out.

Is it bad that I can’t stop myself from thinking of him? I shouldn’t. I really shouldn’t let this get in my head. He can be with other girls. Other, prettier girls. It’s not like I’m pretty, or athletic, or funny. I’m just an old friend and that’s it. I’d be lying if I said that I get a rush of happiness when I get snapchats or anything from him. I’d also be lying if I said my heart didn’t light up when he called my name on the field at the game to get my attention. I just feel bad that I suck at cheering and that I couldn’t bring myself to cheer because I was nervous. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking for you on the field every few minutes during the game. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t bother me that someone else was talking to me when all I wanted to do was talk to you. I’d be lying if I said that I wish I could see you everyday. 

But, at the same time, I would be lying if I said I thought you felt the same way. I know you don’t because I’m nothing special. You have a lot of better, prettier girls around you and I can’t do anything about that. I wanted to tell you not to cut your hair but my opinion seemed like it would be useless compared to her’s. I know my sister wants me to promposal you senior year. I know it’s 2 years away. I’d be lying if I said I was afraid you’d say no. And I’d be lying if I said the only reason I would ask you was to get nice prom pictures. I’d be lying if I said you weren’t a big deal from the moment I saw you at orientation. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like that my friends think your my bait even though you’re clearly not. I’d be lying if I said we had anything because, we don’t. 

I’m lying to myself in every which way. But one thing that I can say is true is that; I just wish I could tell you and have you feel the same. 

I think I’m the happiest or most filled with warmth when I’m with my friends from my old school. But, at the same time, it’s the most bittersweet feeling I ever experience. I mean, I’m always just so happy to see them so when I’m not with them anymore I just get this really off feeling. I just get filled with regret. Why did I switch again? But at the same time I know that if I hadn’t switched I’d probably be just as unhappy because I would’ve never known how it would feel to be away from all of them. 

Is it even worth it, like honestly? 

Like what the hell am I doing right now?

Fantasizing about seeing this boy tomorrow. I barely even know the kid, what am I doing getting caught up with him? 

He doesn’t care. I know he doesn’t and, why should he? He doesn’t need to. There’s nothing that makes me special or important enough for him to take notice. And I get it. What was I thinking? That there would be some possibility that he’d be into me. That he’d be my future prom date? Delusional at best. I don’t want to keep doing this to myself but I don’t think I’ll get over it for a while. I desperately need to. I need to take a dose of reality and just stop it. 

Yet, I say all this and all I’m thinking about is the game tomorrow. No snapchat back. No guarantee if I’ll even see the kid. Let alone, if he’ll want to see me. I’m wasting my time and effort. I know that. But there’s still that hope that he’ll be happy to see me. This is unhealthy and desperate. I need to wake up.

It’s hard to get to the realization but, I’m head over heels for no reason and I seriously don’t know what to do.

What am I supposed to do? Seriously. 

I like him. I think. I think about him too much. To be totally honest, I don’t know if I’m even really into him or just the idea of him.

Why am I looking forward to this game? There’s a chance I won’t see him. There’s a chance he won’t even want to see me. He could not have a care at all. There are so many other girls that could go after him. 

I wanted the game not to get cancelled but the weather and mother nature prevails. Reason being; no one was gonna be there. The girls all had their own games at different locations. And other girls were off to New York on a dance trip. I would’ve had him all to myself. But, now it’s rescheduled for 2 days from now and I could be happier. No girls games. They’re all in the area. They don’t have anywhere to go. They can all show up. Oh, and he’s playing second so whether or not I’ll even see him is pending. 

So, why am I going through so much trouble to get there? I don’t know. 

He’s the one who always crosses my mind and I don’t know what to do.

He shouldn’t mean that much to me. I shouldn’t be so attracted to him. I don’t have the right to. He’s way out of my league. I don’t have a league. He could do SO much better than anything close to me. It’s almost like because I don’t even know him well enough, I don’t have the right to have feelings for him and think about him the way I do. 

I need to stop because this is not going anywhere. 

Yet, I can’t help but think about summer and for some ungodly reason I thought about asking him to go to the county fair with me. What the hell am I thinking?

I’m losing myself and I don’t know what to do.

I feel like if I have a nice fit body, I’ll just automatically feel better about myself. That is why I work out and eat less. I want to be able to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to be confident in myself. 

I genuinely felt scandalous in my outfit today. It wasn’t a ploy for attention when I said that I thought I looked like a slut. I actually thought I did. I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin. At all. 

I like fashion, clothes and looking nice but when i wear intricate or “eccentric” outfits, I’m always self conscious. Always. I don’t know i just feel like (with my body not being amazing and all) it might not look good or i’ll look like a potato. So i’ll be sitting on the bus or whatever, a nervous wreck. Kinda like right now…

I just had a super strange, kinda scary dream. 

Of course, it’s fuzzy but I remember sitting on the lawn of someplace with other people. There was a short guy. And others that I can’t remember. I didn’t get hit from the crash but I had to run out of the way from it. Oh, one of my best friends was there, I think and my English teacher. The car crash looked bad. I mean the car flipped over after skidding. It was in pieces afterwards. There was a guy who was running around afterwards. He might’ve been the one driving. Then chaos ensued. It was like everyone was running around. I saw like a fake “dummy” body but I couldn’t tell for sure if it was a dummy. I remember some incident with a knife and then I’m at home. I think I was the target of something. So I didn’t want anything of my stuff to be seen or in plain sight. My mom and grandma were being so nonchalant. I had like a hallucination or just my imagination. I wanted to see him. I turned around and he was there. In a hoodie but I don’t remember if the hood was up or not. I turned to give him a huge hug but I saw this wooden knife with a wooden cover on the blade in his hand. I panicked so I pushed it away but he pushed it toward me. It must’ve been my imagination or something because I was on the ground balling after that. It took a while for my mom or anyone to notice me. And then I remember getting stabbed in the leg or someone getting stabbed in the thigh area. It was either me but I was actually looking at myself or it was someone else. I know the small guy from the beginning stabbed. But then it was like they were all protecting me. I’m not really sure.

I kinda wish I could play it back…

Okay I remember something. There was like the cast of some drama/show but they were like my age or something and one of the girls was like narrating it. I don’t even know.